Beer Bottle Border Wall Will Pay For Itself

The federal government remains partially closed and the president will not release the country until his demands are met.  A border wall paid for and by the people with a $5 billion dollar price tag.

A math major and beer snob got together and ran some numbers.  Americans consume more Mexican beer than any other import, averaging over 60 million gallons a month, according to beerinstitute data.  If we returned the empty bottles to Mexico for their deposit, the wall could be paid for in no time.  Let's do the math.

Assume all beer is bottled and all bottles have a 5¢ deposit.

In October 2018 60,951,402 gallons of Mexican beer were consumed. 54 bottles of beer make up a gallon. 60 million (gallons) times 54 = 3,240,000,000 bottles in one month and at 5 cents a bottle the wall gets $162,000,000 a month on the average. And this is just Mexican imports. There's big money in bottle deposits! Huge money!

By now the leaders in DC have exceeded their daily reading allotment. You see it would take years to save even one billion dollars but we can tell DC leadership their Five Billion Dollars (what is being asked for a wall) will be saved up in a few months.  A senator (not furloughed) recommended that beer bottle money will pile up much quicker if the furloughed federal employees pitch in and start collecting bottles immediately. If you haven't begun yet, start binge drinking amigo.

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Site Security, please change your password

Renegade News has been battling cyber attacks since the typewriter was invented.

In 2019 you will notice new security has been implemented in an effort to increase account security.  The US National Institute of Standards and Technology revised their suggestions for password protection and frequency to be changed.

Starting January 1, 2019 you will be prompted to change your password every 4 hours. What may seem excessive was chosen after a year of research. In addition, your stripper name will become your new username in the new year.  Your current username will no longer be valid as it exposed a large security defect.

These new password requirements are for your protection. Never share your password with anyone and always sign-off when leaving your work area.  Remember,  cyber attacks are no joke, but our insane password requirements are pretty hysterical.

Next up, we take a look at reCAPTCHA and the hundreds of hours spent unsuccessfully clicking on cars and traffic lights.

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Marlboro takes big stake in marijuana company

Altria, Marlboro parent company, has invested $1.8 Billion in a marijuana stock.

Rumors have been swirling for months, today Altria Group announced it invested over a billion in marijuana stock Cronos Group.

Frito-Lay, after hearing the Altria announcement, declared today is a company holiday and told factory workers their jobs are secure for the indefinite future.

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Florida Voter Recounts in Senate and Governor’s Races

Dozens of these official election pails will be counted for the first time when Florida recounts votes for the Senate and Governor.

While officials scramble to empty recycling bins, Florida began their first full, statewide vote recount in its history on Saturday. The Senate, governor and agriculture commissioner vote was too close to call so back up votes previously uncounted will be included in the recount.



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Kugel the search engine with answers

Last weekend I was looking for a challah in all the wrong places. Google was not helping. Feeling annoyed. Walking the streets in chilly 59° with a steady drizzle, I was ready to give up. That’s when I found Kugel, the Jewish search engine. Success!

I avoided the Tefillin and dodged their pop up brochures. "Go two blocks north" and I found a challah.  Guys on the street trying to get people to join their synagogue would get a big boost if they rebranded as Kugel.

Kugel has answers to the Four Questions and a few million more.

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Crime is Killing the Environment

Hopefully you never see that yellow crime scene tape marking off a violent crime or murder, but as crimes go up so do thousands of yards of this plastic tape. And when the tape gets cut down for whatever reason, is usually left blowing down the street.

It doesn’t seem especially dangerous—a little flimsy yellow ribbon that will disintegrate as it tatters in the sunlight. But a recent study concludes that crime scene tape potentially has a big impact on the environment.

Approximately 14 billion feet of crime scene tape gets left in streets every year in the United States. Crime scene tape doesn’t decompose, and as a result, nearly 50 tons of plastic could end up in American food chain each year. Tiny pieces of this plastic, known as microplastic, are sinking into soil, which could then impact small animals, insects, and even end up in groundwater sources that eventually flow into the ocean. Crime scene tape has been found hundreds of miles offshore wrapped around dolphin and turtles. Birds are using crime scene tape in nests. Toxins from the plastic is absorbed by birds and hatchlings.

We know the source, and the solution seems simple. Eliminate crime and the crime scene tape goes away.

That simple fix is so simple that it’s incredible that it hasn’t been done yet. Renegade News endorses the proposal to eliminate crime to save the environment. Vote to eliminate crime in November. 


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Humans will evolve beyond recognized speech by 2050

Animals constantly adapt to changing environments. When we look at how evolution has taken us from tadpoles to Texters and Tweeters, it can be overwhelming. Look at traits one at a time and how they appear and disappear, birds of the same species have evolved on one island with long beaks to suck nectar of flowering plants and on the neighboring island short the same birds have short pointed beaks to crack open seeds of local vegetation. Plants evolve as well, if they do not attract insects to pollenate their flowers, they change their scent to something pleasing to bees.

Humans have evolved as well, usually subtle ways over thousands of years but with rapidly evolving technology the human is evolving at light speeds.  Medical experts told Renegade News that in about 30 years human beings will no longer speak. Communication in the future will be via a short burst of ultra low frequencies to be received by all or directed to a specific person.

Think of the human being of tomorrow to have built in WiFi and Texting!  Advanced sounds will be used for warning other species heard as indigenous profanities.

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IHOP Rebrands as IHOB?

The International House of Pancakes took a proactive measure and rebranded to the International House of Bathrooms or IHOb as reflected in all marketing and webpages.  The change sends a strong message to other retail establishments, open up and let the people pee.  This follows Starbucks announcement of their corporate policy to allow anyone to use their bathroom.

A movement has been gaining momentum on social media protesting corporate bathroom policies that require paid purchases prior to using the bathroom. A manager with a grocery chain which asked to remain anonymous told us he sees at least a dozen shoppers scramble for the toilets while shopping only to be stopped in their tracks by a lock. The code for the lock is on customer receipts and this manager said he doesn't understand the outrage. Urinary urgency is why the people are upset. Over 10 million Americans suffer from incontinence, which means that they are not able to control the times when they urinate. In some cases, the loss of urine is so small that people are hardly aware of it. In other cases, the amount of leakage is quite large. Only about 10 percent of people who suffer from incontinence seek treatment. Without treatment, many of these people stay at home and withdraw from life unnecessarily.

Analysts predict Taco Bell join the open bathroom policy in a release which coincides with a soon-to-be-released Bathroom Burrito.

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The #MTA's Next Gen Subway Car

unrelated photo

While waiting on the platform for our train we saw the prototype new #MTA subway train zip by. So retro!

Disclaimer: This site is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

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No more cake decorating typos with AutoCorrect in a cake decoration bag

Let Them Eat Cate! 

You may have had your last "Barfday" cake.

It has happened too often, you get a great cake and order a message to be written in the frosting only to find out too late that your cake has a typo, "Congradulations" or "Get Eel Soon".  Worry no more, Pillsbury has announced Cake Frosting Bag with AutoCorrection!

Now anyone can write in frosting like a pro with Pillsbury Flavored Filled Auto-Correct Pastry Bags. Using the built-in typo detection, you can present your message or phrase on a cake with confidence. It’s all of the fun, none of the frustration.

Pillsbury AutoCorrect is a feature commonly found in word processing programs, such as Microsoft Word. As the name implies, this feature automatically corrects misspellings and common typos made on cakes for any occasion.

AutoCorrect also has a built in NSFW filter to censor your list of prohibited words.

AutoCorrect is available in vanilla, cream cheese, chocolate fudge and cherry flavors in the software or baking aisle of your local grocer.


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Cool updates to your coffee maker software that you want

The KitchenAid coffee maker upgrade is here!

Like many of you, I have been awaiting the release of the new operating system for the popular KitchenAid 12-Cup Coffeemakers. It was promised in the second quarter of 2018, and select consumers are waking up to new cafe features on their counter.

After you upgrade the operating system to KA2.3 you will wonder how you lived without these new features!

Highlights of the ALL NEW KA2.3 Features

VR Brew
Most exciting is the virtual reality brew setting. Indicates the brewed coffee is steaming hot, ready to serve, even if you don’t touch the stuff IRL.  A popular request and has been offered on K-Cups since early 2017.

Programmable tones
No more harsh beeping, load your favorite tones to alert you on, off and ready status—or you can turn off all sounds.

ReBru
How many times have you made a pot of coffee while you are half-asleep and the coffee is too weak, too strong or worse full of grinds. Press ReBru and the machine express brews your first pot of the day using learned characteristics so you don't have to think.

Add Milk and Sugar selector
Lets you make coffee to suit your preferences.  A feature you're going to love.

Prepare for upgrade

• Thoroughly clean basket of grinds and rinse carafe. 
• Set coffee maker into command mode:
•  Press and hold the Brew and Clock buttons for 90 seconds until coffee maker beeps 4 times. 
• Follow prompts.  

This update takes approximately 20 minutes and requires your coffee pot to be running on an electric power supply.

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Canada unveils USA-CAN Border Slide

The skier missing on Whiteface Mountain since last Wednesday and presumed dead has been found alive and well in California. New York state police confirmed that the 49 year old Canadian man is in good health and in contact with local authorities in Sacramento.

Danny has been on a secret mission. Danny "vanished" while skiing with friends.

Until now there were no details on why he disappeared. After a 5-day search, of Whiteface Mountain in Wilmington, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau unveiled the Border Slide.  Built entirely with money from the United States, this slide will be used to send illegals back south.  The immigrants are filling border towns, burdening public services and pestering friendly Canadians.

It’s a surprising turn of events given that the U.S. initiated the Nafta revamp last year by saying it wanted to address its gaping trade deficit with Mexico, while only seeking tweaks to the trading terms with Canada. Relations between the U.S. and Canada were frosty when the talks started in August as U.S. President Trump dismissed a Canadian proposal on cars as vague and sparred with Canada over data describing two-way trade flows. He also criticized a trade case filed by Canada against the U.S. at the World Trade Organization as a “massive attack” on American trade law.

Trump mocked the Border Slide on Twitter saying "Canada built a water theme park for aliens and is treating American citizens as illegals. So sad."

The White House has no official comment on the secret Border Slide project.


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Renegade News Mental Medal award

The president of RNS MEDIA, Renegade News parent company, has developed the Renegade News Mental Medal award, the highest honor on earth that is given to a satirical news site.  The RNMM award is given out randomly, like lollipops at a rave on South Beach, to satire news sites found on the internets.  Congratulate yourself if you have been awarded the RNMM award.

RNS MEDIA hosts a black tie dinner and award presentations twice a year at a secret club and Renegade News makes an insignificant donation to the Relax Steve campaign to memorialize the occasion. 

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Doctor Pod Snap! Dr Pepper Snapple, Keurig Green Mountain combine

In an effort to make a bigger pop, Dr Pepper Snapple and Keurig Green Mountain plan to combine to form a company with $11 billion in annual revenues, the companies said Monday.

The combined company, will be called Doctor Pop Snap, reason enough to form this merger. [correction: The combined name will be Keurig Dr Pepper)

The companies have done business before. Remember the jingle from a few years ago? "I'm a pepper pod, you're a pepper pod, wouldn't you like to be a pepper pod too?" Keurig signed a multi-year agreement to sell pods of Dr Pepper soda brands for the Keurig Cold system in the U.S. and Canada.

The merger comes as a surprise, but wait until you see the combined beverages. That's the real surprise--one of these hybrid KCups loaded with sugary Snapple, Dr Pepper and Coffee brewed by the cup is estimated to produce enough energy to keep a human being awake for 10 days.

The Olympics committee is looking into legal reasons to ban the soda jerks from olympic competition. So far no statement has been released.

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