Summer guests who won't leave

Our travel editor took a staycation and suddenly had 2 house guests who wouldn't leave. Here's his story, from a non-disclosed home with a pool, close to the beach. Believe me I'm trying to track down this summer resort.

Have you ever had friends or relatives that invite themselves to stay at your place for a night or two. After 3 or 4 days you are getting fed up with them? All the little things like using your bath towel, going out for a smoke and bringing in a new layer of stench of cigarettes each time, announcing he can't join you for the meal you are cooking him because his friends are in town and he didn't want to impose and invite them over, did I mention the stinky feet? We can swap house guest stories for hours so I'll stop there.

There is an answer to your house guest woes right in your local Home Improvement store!

For people who stopped by for lunch and don't know when to leave:

Mr. Clean Family Eraser

When it's going on a week and the family of 4 can't find the door you may need a more powerful hint. The stench of this should tick them off. It might take a second treatment before they flee.

Black Flag's FLEE AND TICK "It's what we do"

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Best wishes for a Happy New Year

We never imagined a pandemic would plague us in 2020. And just when you thought it was safe to breathe the air, round two.

On behalf of the entire news team, we wish you a bright and happy new year.

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April brings new laws to the books

Many new laws begin today, April 1st, 2020, including the law against humor. Seriously?

The unlawful use of parody is a $500 fine, repeat offenders are subject to arrest. Improv fines vary and will be judged on a case-by-case basis. Slapstick in a public area is treated as a misdemeanor and will result in a $25 quality of life ticket.

American situation comedies, or sitcoms, have lacked humor for over 20 years. Even this breaking news story, on April Fool's Day, is far from funny.  Smiling for passport or drivers license photos? Not in your lifetime.

Over the past month, Renegade News readers have spotted No Laughing signs going up adjacent to No Smoking signs. When the general population is released from lockdown expect comedy clubs to move the shows underground akin to alcohol consumption during prohibition in the 1920s.

Government officials did not return our calls so we have no day one data on the No Laughing law enforcement.

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Forget Pumpkin Spice, try the CBD Guac and Chips

It's that time of year when everything oozes pumpkin spice.  If you can imagine it, it has the scent.

Aspen CBD company Toast may have jumped the shark with their pumpkin spice CBD oil. They were planning on being the new patchouli for the Millennial music fans this fall season. Millennials said so long to their pumpkins and are literally lining up at one taco joint in El Paso for their Day-of-The-Dead CBD Guacamole dip.  Our El Paso reporter has met people who traveled from Louisiana, Arkansas and Illinois for the chips and guac.

The guacamole is available as a dip with chips, and in tacos and burritos. Better get your orders in soon, this special dip is only available until the end of November.

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#cbd #pumpkinspice #viper #grandmasrecipe #ordermorechips #guacamole

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Avocado Toast Chicks (Peeps)

Avocado Toast Flavored Marshmallow Chicks

Avocado Toast Flavored Marshmallow Chicks bring savory and crunchy flavors together like never before to create an unforgettable, ‘millennially’ delicious taste experience. Available exclusively at Sears.

FIND 

Ingredients
SUGAR, CORN SYRUP, GELATIN, FUMARIC ACID, CITRIC ACID, PECTIN, CONTAINS LESS THAN 0.5% OF THE FOLLOWING: NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, POTASSIUM SORBATE (A PRESERVATIVE), BLUE #1, CARNAUBA WAX.

THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS NO AVOCADO 

FAT FREE.

GLUTEN FREE.

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No more cake decorating typos with AutoCorrect in a cake decoration bag

Let Them Eat Cate! 

You may have had your last "Barfday" cake.

It has happened too often, you get a great cake and order a message to be written in the frosting only to find out too late that your cake has a typo, "Congradulations" or "Get Eel Soon".  Worry no more, Pillsbury has announced Cake Frosting Bag with AutoCorrection!

Now anyone can write in frosting like a pro with Pillsbury Flavored Filled Auto-Correct Pastry Bags. Using the built-in typo detection, you can present your message or phrase on a cake with confidence. It’s all of the fun, none of the frustration.

Pillsbury AutoCorrect is a feature commonly found in word processing programs, such as Microsoft Word. As the name implies, this feature automatically corrects misspellings and common typos made on cakes for any occasion.

AutoCorrect also has a built in NSFW filter to censor your list of prohibited words.

AutoCorrect is available in vanilla, cream cheese, chocolate fudge and cherry flavors in the software or baking aisle of your local grocer.


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Cadbury offers Bacon and Eggs for Easter

Yum, it's that time of year. Get some of the limited edition Cadbury Bacon and Eggs easter eggS! They are sold during Easter. If you don't see them on store shelves, ask your grocer to order this Limited Edition series.

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New Purim Peeps Flavors Are Coming

Peeps have been called the single largest icon of Easter.  And now peeps creep into Purim.

If you feel like Peeps are just a crappy candy, try Kosher Peeps in hamantash. What is a hamantash? A hamantash is a filled-pocket cookie or pastry recognizable for its triangular shape, usually associated with the Jewish holiday of Purim, now peep filled! Matzoh peep soup is next.

And coming soon, Samosas Peeps, a deep fried, peep filled, spicy pastry snack that originated from India.

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420 Day is Not a Legal Holiday

Despite popular belief, today is not a legal holiday. Get to work!

What is the meaning behind 420?

The origin of the term 420, celebrated around the world by pot smokers every April 20th, has long been obscured by the clouded memories of the folks who made it a phenomenon.

Depending on who you ask, or their state of inebriation, there are as many varieties of answers as strains of medical bud in California. It’s the number of active chemicals in marijuana. It’s teatime in Holland. It has something to do with Hitler’s birthday. It’s those numbers in that Bob Dylan song multiplied.

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MPAA Releases New Movie Ratings

Hold onto your nachos, you're about to see some new movie ratings this Christmas. The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) is releasing new movie ratings starting with the holiday films.

The MPAA film-rating system is used in the United States and its territories to rate a film's suitability for certain audiences, based on its content. The MPAA rating system is a voluntary scheme that is not enforced by law; films can be exhibited without a rating, though many theaters refuse to exhibit non-rated or NC-17 rated films. Non-members of MPAA may also submit films for rating.

There were numerous factors that led to the additional rating systems including a study by the Annenberg Public Policy Center which found that stupidity in films since 1985 has quadrupled in frequency. The number of scripts of total garbage, the study found, has reached a critical point. Therefore you will see the OM-FG rating on many upcoming films.

Some science fiction films have a cult-like following and fans have been known to worship the characters, going as far as seeing the film dozens of times wearing full costume. These films will have the NCC-1701 rating.

It's never a pleasant experience to be around a bunch of  old hippies still living in 1972 when they are jarred back to reality.  Don't even start to tell them that Jerry passed away.  Nothing ruins the cinema like someone freaking out in the audience.  For these aging hipies the rating PG-54 will be added to films that may be too harsh for the hippy mind to process in real time.

And the last rating to be added for Christmas is the "W" rating.  A potpourri of people, a gumbo of freaks.  Be warned that the "W" rating is for Weirdos.

We surveyed 100 theaters in the greater Detroit area about the additional ratings and an overwhelming majority of them were anxious to see the new ratings added to the system.

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Mrs Claus caught kissing Tiger Woods in Central Florida Home

According to Orange County, Florida fire officials an unidentified middle aged woman with grey hair left Tiger Woods home via ambulance about about 2:35 a.m. today.


An unidentified source identifies this woman as Mrs. Claus, wife of Santa Claus.


A bit of background on Claus, according to the Christmas special "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town," her name is Jessica, and is a schoolteacher in Sombertown. Elves at SantaClaus.com add that her middle name is Mary. But little more is known about this woman who prefers to live a quiet life, out of the spotlight of her husband.


Calls to Santa's Workshop at the North Pole have not been returned.

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Six Flags – Over Earth announced. New NASA theme park on the moon

Following Friday morning’s successful crash of a LCROSS satellite and its booster rocket into a crater near the south pole of the moon, a surprise joint venture announcement was made between Six Flags and NASA, “Six Flags – Over Earth” a zero gravity water theme park is scheduled to break ground in Spring 2011 and be completed by 2020.

A satellite and booster rocket, shot at the moon as a test for potable water and parking, proved to be a positive low cost location for a gigantic entertainment complex which promises to eclipse the earth. Water slides, trampolines and character parades are only a few attractions slated for the new theme park.

"This is so cool," said Jerry Smith, coordinator for Six Flag’s “Over Earth” campaign. "We're thrilled."

"This is going to change where we take summer vacations," NASA chief lunatic Michael Mal de la Cabeza said at the news conference. “No More Jersey Shore for us”

Photos and artists renderings are to be released in the next few weeks.

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Blue Eyes brings Xmas to struggling family

Old Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, while reading a Washington newspaper ran across a story that touched his heart. Someone stole Christmas from a struggling single mother of four children. And Frankie's emotions sprang into action. The plan, according to Sinatra's publicity agent, is to have three elves arrive in Miami on Christmas Eve, dressed in the traditional Sinatra elf wardrobe consisting of black suit, white tie and matching shoes. The elves Guido, Tony and Alfonzo told Renegade News that they have an offer for the perpetrator that he can't refuse.

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