Tashlich gets warning from governors of 3 northeast states

On the first day of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year after the afternoon prayer, the congregation traditionally goes to a lake, river or sea (preferably a body of water that has fish), and recite the Tashlich prayers, wherein the people cast sins into the water and leave old shortcomings behind us, thus starting the new year with a clean slate.

Governors of Delaware, Maryland and Connecticut have engaged the National Guard as well as state police to enforce a no sin dumping law. Anybody with a suspicious bag of sins or attempt to lay down their burden will be stopped and interrogated.

One state leader, who asked to be misidentified as a FDA chemist, stated he has published proof that dumping any large concentration of sins into a river or lake creates a toxic environment for fish resulting in antisocial fish behavior and bullying.  The sin report states these sins can enter the water supply returning sins back to human beings in drinking water.

As of this publishing there were no reports of sin related arrests or fines and national guard troops are stepping down.  Maryland officials have an all-you-can-eat fish fry planned for this weekend at the Baltimore harbor waterfront to celebrate the clean water win. Details will be announced on local media.

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New Purim Peeps Flavors Are Coming

Peeps have been called the single largest icon of Easter.  And now peeps creep into Purim.

If you feel like Peeps are just a crappy candy, try Kosher Peeps in hamantash. What is a hamantash? A hamantash is a filled-pocket cookie or pastry recognizable for its triangular shape, usually associated with the Jewish holiday of Purim, now peep filled! Matzoh peep soup is next.

And coming soon, Samosas Peeps, a deep fried, peep filled, spicy pastry snack that originated from India.

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Theologists celebrating discovery of lost religion

Theologists are celebrating their recent discovery of a lost religion. What scholars had written off as lost a long time ago was discovered, quite by accident, thriving in New York City. The Procrastenazi Apatharian religion is alive and living in Brooklyn, New York.

Procrastenazi Apatharian, also known as Procrastenazi Apats or simply Procrastenazis, are a Apatharian ethnic division who coalesced as a distinct community of Apatharians in the Holy Roman Empire around the end of the 1st millennium. The traditional language of Procrastenazi consists of various shrugs and single word grunts such as “Yup”, “Dunno”, and “Naw”.

They established communities throughout Eastern and Central Europe, which had been their primary region of concentration and residence until recent times, but they’ve been meaning to move for several decades.  The Apatharian Procrastenazi do not have a whole lot of documented history, and those interviewed didn’t really care. Only by sheer accident are portions of their history are recorded.

A 5 year search determined that the Procrastenazi have made "no remarkable contributions to humanity" and while European culture doesn’t ignore them, they tend not to be noticed.  A substantial number of Procrastenazi have a literature, art, music or science background, but never applied their knowledge in society

It is estimated that in the 11th century Procrastenazi Apatharians composed about three percent of the world's Apatharian population, while at their peak in 1931 they accounted for 92 percent of the world's Apats.

We spent a day with a Procrastenazi family who did noting remarkable all day, nobody could care whether it was night or day. We questioned the family if perhaps some family historic documents may be stored in their attic; the elderly parents agreed to look for it next week.

We walked the neighborhood and household after household told the same story. They’ve been meaning to take some photos, write things down and do something–but just never got around to it.

Next week we hear the story of a family on Prozac.

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Vatican 2.0 seeking Pope via Matchmaker Service

The Vatican is going high tech in their papal search. Rome-based Papal Encounter launched in 2000 and now the #1 Trusted Holy Relationship Services Provider in the Vatican has been contracted to select the Pope.

Choosing a pope has always been done by  a meeting of the College of Cardinals, prone to long debates and very unscientific. Over 30 traits of 2.0 are electronically reviewed before the new Bishop of Rome (aka the Pope) is matched.

An inside source at the Vatican told Renegade News the church needed a way to get in touch with today's youth. Reaching out via high tech is the obvious solution.

Another 2.0 announcement, a smoke-free Vatican. No toxic plumes of white or black smoke--The papal conclave tweets the results, hashtag #pickapope.

Papal Encounter's patented Papal Compatibility System® allows bishops and cardinals to be quickly matched with a higher authority whom they are likely to enjoy a long-term relationship. Millions of church leaders of all national origins have applied to use Papal Encounter's Papal Compatibility System and have been rejected. Today, an average of one Papal Encounter member becomes Pope as a result of being matched on the site.

*Papal Encounter is only available in the Vatican City.

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Burlington Coat Factory planned in Buraidah, Saudi Arabia

Buraidah, Saudi Arabia: An unidentified investment group is planning on converting a mosque in Buraidah, Saudi Arabia into a department store, possibly a Men's Warehouse.  

Locals said the development group has no right to build a mega department store and will be refused permits. A spokesmodel for the developers say it is not a department store, only a distribution center for other planned stores in Saudi Arabia. It just happens to have a retail area which sells clothing and accessories.

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Why prohibit the clothing chain from opening in Saudi Arabia? An official from Buraidah explains "it is not as much as they sell clothing prohibited in our country as much as retail stores represent capitalism and capitalism represents greedy American capitalists and therefore should be prohibited in the kingdom." 

this is a parody of the news 

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What Not To Wear Goes to Calcutta

Stacy and Clinton break some bad habits

Fashionistas Stacy London and Clinton Kelly invade a slum in Calcutta and look who gets the makeover! The participant's makeover also includes $8,000 budget for clothing, a day with a hairstylist and makeup artist.

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Yah-Weh members form new cult

Last summer, a dejected Yahweh Tribe member formed a dissident group called The Yah-Hoo Tribe.

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Pope Senor John Paul II Grande?

Pope Senior John Paul II Grande?
Over the last several weeks our Central American investigative reporter discovered that Pope John Paul II is secretly fighting the war in Nicaragua..."

Stars Start Consulting Firm

Retired Models Jessica Hawn, Fawn Hall and DOnna Rice announced Tuesday that they have started a consulting firm to improve political images...

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