Monday, April 1, 2019

ULTRA Music affects Atlantic Ocean currents

Miami is cleaning up from a weekend of music but the oceans are still choppy. That deep hypnotic bass bellowing from Virginia Key this weekend affected the Atlantic Ocean currents and migrating sea life.


Satellite imagery shows deep water disturbances emitting from Miami Marine Stadium extending well beyond Bermuda.  The ripple is not expected to reach Europe.

Many marine organisms rely on their ability to hear for their survival. Sound is the most efficient means of communication underwater and is the primary way that many marine species gather and understand information about their environment. Many aquatic animals use sound to find prey, locate mates and offspring, avoid predators, guide their navigation and locate habitat, and listen and communicate with each other. Etymōtic Research is rumored to have a prototype porpoise hearing protection device in the works aka "pod protectors". Too late for Ultra but good for future waterfront events.

THIS IS A PARODY OF NEWS

Sunday, February 24, 2019

Pizza, it's the smart choice for breakfast

Chelsey Amer, MS, RDN, CDN to The Daily Meal shook up breakfast when she told the Chicago Tribune that a slice of pizza is healthier than a bowl of cereal.
It's got protein. It's got carbs. It might even have vegetables. That hot slice of cheesy goodness is a balanced breakfast if we've ever seen one.
Cereal giants Quaker, General Mills and Kelloggs all scrambled to bake up their spin on breakfast pizza. Regional breakfast pizza options include Chicago style breakfast pizza, a loaf of bread in a box, while New York style breakfast pizza cereal is just the box.


Look for our potato mashup: French Fry vs Hash Browns coming soon.


THIS IS A PARODY OF NEWS

Friday, January 25, 2019

Government Shutdown Over! Saved $5 billion on Mexico wall replaced with a $1,597 patriotic ribbon!

Federal government workers missed their second paycheck today and funding for the president's $5.7 billion dollar wall still wasn't funded.

UPDATE: A low-cost alternative to the wall was presented to the president and accepted. A Patriotic Border Ribbon is awaiting review by the Government Accountability Office (GAO)  and should be streaming along the Rio Grande by February.
It's like gift wrapping the whole country!
Four out of five smugglers surveyed told us they would never cross such a beautiful symbol of freedom. The ribbon should be purchased and installed before the end of the month.



THIS IS A PARODY OF NEWS

Saturday, December 29, 2018

Beer Bottle Border Wall Will Pay For Itself

The federal government remains partially closed and the president will not release the country until his demands are met.  A border wall paid for and by the people with a $5 billion dollar price tag.

A math major and beer snob got together and ran some numbers.  Americans consume more Mexican beer than any other import, averaging over 60 million gallons a month, according to beerinstitute data.  If we returned the empty bottles to Mexico for their deposit, the wall could be paid for in no time.  Let's do the math.

Assume all beer is bottled and all bottles have a 5¢ deposit.

In October 2018 60,951,402 gallons of Mexican beer were consumed. 54 bottles of beer make up a gallon. 60 million (gallons) times 54 = 3,240,000,000 bottles in one month and at 5 cents a bottle the wall gets $162,000,000 a month on the average. And this is just Mexican imports. There's big money in bottle deposits! Huge money!


By now the leaders in DC have exceeded their daily reading allotment. You see it would take years to save even one billion dollars but we can tell DC leadership their Five Billion Dollars (what is being asked for a wall) will be saved up in a few months.  A senator (not furloughed) recommended that beer bottle money will pile up much quicker if the furloughed federal employees pitch in and start collecting bottles immediately. If you haven't begun yet, start binge drinking amigo.



THIS IS A PARODY OF NEWS

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Site Security, please change your password

Renegade News has been battling cyber attacks since the typewriter was invented.

In 2019 you will notice new security has been implemented in an effort to increase account security.  The US National Institute of Standards and Technology revised their suggestions for password protection and frequency to be changed.

Starting January 1, 2019 you will be prompted to change your password every 4 hours. What may seem excessive was chosen after a year of research. In addition, your stripper name will become your new username in the new year.  Your current username will no longer be valid as it exposed a large security defect.



These new password requirements are for your protection. Never share your password with anyone and always sign-off when leaving your work area.  Remember,  cyber attacks are no joke, but our insane password requirements are pretty hysterical.


Next up, we take a look at reCAPTCHA and the hundreds of hours spent unsuccessfully clicking on cars and traffic lights.

THIS IS A PARODY OF NEWS