Monday, December 19, 2016

Does the Electoral College have a school mascot?
A group of grade school students contacted Renegade News to find out more about an Electoral College.

Our Renegade News Education Reporter did some reearch and found no admissions office, no way to apply and no dean of education. Further investigation found no known address for an "Electoral College" or "Electoral University."

No mascot? Most American schools have a mascot. High schools, colleges, and even middle and elementary schools typically have mascots. Most of them have their mascot created as a costume, and use this costume at sports or social events. Why is the school impossible to find and why doesn't the Electoral College have a school mascot?

Digging deeper we can confirm the Electoral College is not a place. It's actually a fictional school with 538 fictional students. There are no classes, no school colors and no graduations.


The only school activity we could find occurs every four years, in November, when the Electoral College has a Bowl Game against rival team, "Popular Vote" and the winner picks the next president of the United States.

We're working on a follow-up story, "Defaulting on Students Loans at  Electoral College."


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Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Assault on fake news sites continues
The assault on fake news is gaining momentum. According to 10,000 gullible people surveyed a spoof, parody or lampoon has no place in modern society.  Laughter is saved for sitcoms, not the daily news.

One Connecticut man is pushing for all news to be rated for credibility which lets readers filter out disagreeable content.
1CSNR

The Connecticut gentleman wants all media to add tags of credibility, as well a flag identifying politic leanings.

Renegade News continues to produly stand as a long standing, credible source of incredible news parodies. Our reports are supplied without warranties or promises, but we hope at least 1 of 10 stories would get you to smile, if only for a moment.

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Wednesday, November 16, 2016

FOX News ads banned online?
Renegade News, an established institution providing decades of erratic, inconsistent, and sometimes humorous news reports strongly disagrees with Google and Facebook's decision to refuse to sell ads to FOX News.  As a parody news site we believe Fake News outlets should be identified, but not banned.


Facebook and Google will not broker advertisements for inclusion on websites and mobile apps that the sites have determined display fake or misleading news after some have raised questions about whether either company may have played a role in the presidential election.

The announcements follows widespread concern over the rapid increase of fake, wrong or misleading news articles on the internet.

Additionally, the news network is not banned in Canada.  CRTC regulations apply only to Canadian broadcasters using Canadian airwaves; they do not apply to non-Canadian news sources transmitted via satellite and cable, not broadcast over public airwaves.

CORRECTION:  This report earlier mentioned FOX News in error, that should read "fake news".

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Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Trump ahead by 3 trillion votes
The election is a waste of time and money, according to unconfirmed statement from Donald Trump. "I already have trillions of early votes" says Trump.


 After the early voting, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has a 3 trillion to zero vote lead over Democrat Hillary Clinton, according to a guest satisfaction survey taken at Trump Tower on Sunday morning. Libertarian Gary Johnson has four votes. Bernie Sanders received three write-in votes while Mitt Romney, the 2012 GOP presidential nominee, also received a write-in vote. But Trump says he will fix those votes with his own money too.

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Saturday, June 25, 2016

UK Brexit, and the Euro's Domino Effect

Economists Fear a European Domino Effect  

No one knows what happens next as the entire U.K. — including England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland — pulls away from the EU. As of this story going to press, 4 additional countries have drafted proposals to leave the euro—this is called a “domino effect,” and our Renegade News International Economic Reports see a trend that of the nineteen member countries currently on the Euro, ten will leave, and switch to using dominos as currency by 1-Sep-2016.


The impact of switching to a domino based currency will initially leave those countries with a destabilized economy, totally dependent upon their financial leaders' steady hand and artistry. On a positive note, Domino Tourism (DomiTouri) is expected to soar and ease concerns while in transition.

Using dominos for currency is not a new concept. It dates back to the ancient Aztec civilizations who used dominos years before the Spanish conquest. The use of dominos as money throughout the Colonial period (1521-1810) was accompanied by the use of Spanish coins. The Spaniards introduced pesos. Initially one domino was worth 1/8 of a peso. By 1545, in the Tlaxcallan market, 1 peso equaled 200 dominos. Dominos lost favor due to their bulk and were replaced by reales in 1560.


The euro (sign: €; code: EUR) is the official currency of the eurozone, which consists of 19 of the 28 member states of the European Union: Austria, Belgium, Cyprus, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, the Netherlands, Portugal, Slovakia, Slovenia, and Spain.

Derek and the Dominos were a blues rock band formed in the spring of 1970 by guitarist and singer Eric Clapton, keyboardist and singer Bobby Whitlock, bassist Carl Radle and drummer Jim Gordon.

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Friday, June 24, 2016

Elect Louie For President

Elect
Louie
for
President
in 2016



Vote for Louie.
Louie ain't no politician.
Louie is bigger & stronger than other world leaders.
Louie says stupid things, so I don't have to.

PLUS: Most important...
Louie is not running for office, so he's not a politician.

paid for by WTF Is Louie Campaign

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Google self-driving minivan, don't get left behind

Google’s Self-Driving Minivan Could Give You Back Your Life



Who chose the minivan? Key players from Google, the Divide by Zero Parent Teacher Association and Fiat Chrysler were locked in a room until they decided on the right vehicle. When they emerged with their great product idea, it was a self-driving minivan, not quite the Homermobile we expected, but close.

Wait, but why a minivan?  Because the PTA went in demanding a mini-van and nobody has ever won an argument with the PTA, not even brilliant minds of Google or Chrysler.  Not ultra-sexy but there are attractive features that led them to use a minivan. Compared to early rumors of a self-driving Nissan 370Z, the Chrysler van packs in a ton of features, leaving a load of of room for a dozen screaming kids and Google’s tech equipment.

So at this point, unless you have a couple of kids or wore those ugly Google Glass contraptions in public, chances are an unmanned Google mini-van won't win you over. 

Already dubbed a DREAM CAR! This "Google Mobile" lets you sleep late, have a mimosa brunch, and take a nap while the minivan drives the kids to those insanely early morning activities.  Before you bite into a bagel, your kids are already half-way to soccer or little league! But will the kids be safe in that weird driverless vehicle? Yup, this car comes with Google’s longstanding goal of working with partners “to bring this technology into the world safely.”

Look out world, because all the old school bells and whistles of the traditional American auto manufacturer have been tossed aside. Forget the crayon box and floor mats and think technology and HVAC. The Divide by Zero PTA spoke up for the demands of today’s parents. 

Your kids won't cry for juice because the van has 3 flush mounted arrays of 12 USB outlets ready to power whatever the challenge, and unlimited juice. The brochure shows USB arrays are standard features.

You swear you will never do it again, but it will happen. That dreaded long drive. Whether an hour or 3,000 miles cross country. You will love the built in NFC passenger recognition system, that sets individual climate zones automatically to each passengers preference, for up to eight passengers.

You love your family but the screams got to stop. The PTA knows all about that which is why the sound dampening upgrade kit may be the most popular feature on the vehicle. The kit includes custom soundproofing, sound absorption and noise reduction materials. Peace and quiet.!

An upgrade that is not standard, but why not? You're already spending over $100,000 on a car you won't drive. Think about this on that cross-country drive. Upgraded HG vans have granite countertops, and a Viking 7 Series oven with ducted exhaust fan that gets everyone fed, in style and comfort.

The self-driving vans are expected to be released to a limited test group over the summer and road-ready by September.  Look for free in vehicle wifi in early 2016. The basic model retails for $129,900, but so worth it.

About DBZ School PTA
The Divide by Zero PTA (Parent Teacher Association) works to help ensure that all of our students have access to an excellent education and are enabled to meet their academic potential. The PTA enriches our school through financial support for classroom materials, field trips, assemblies, and art and music programming, and other programs. Through its focus on academic achievement, a strong sense of community, parent involvement, and parent education, the PTA is the cornerstone of an inclusive community where every member is appreciated and valued.


About Fiat Chrysler Automobiles
Fiat Chrysler Automobiles N.V. (“FCA”), the seventh-largest automaker in the world based on total annual vehicle sales, is an international automotive group. FCA is listed on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol “FCAU” and on the Mercato Telematico Azionario under the symbol “FCA”.

About Google

Google Inc. was founded in 1998 by Sergey Brin and Larry Page to make it easier to find high-quality information on the web. The company is based on years of research in web search and data mining done by the founders in the Stanford University Computer Science Department. Google Inc.'s headquarters are located in scenic downtown Palo Alto, California.


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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

420 Day is Not a Legal Holiday
Despite popular belief, today is not a legal holiday. Get to work!

What is the meaning behind 420?

The origin of the term 420, celebrated around the world by pot smokers every April 20th, has long been obscured by the clouded memories of the folks who made it a phenomenon.

Depending on who you ask, or their state of inebriation, there are as many varieties of answers as strains of medical bud in California. It’s the number of active chemicals in marijuana. It’s teatime in Holland. It has something to do with Hitler’s birthday. It’s those numbers in that Bob Dylan song multiplied.



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Tuesday, April 5, 2016

4 hidden Excel 2016 functions that can save you time

Excel 2016 includes a number of hidden functions designed to help you cook the books.

We went to Excel headquarters division that specializing in desktop solutions and after a few non-specific bribes we were shown 4 new commands:

=FUDGE(Result,[arg1,arg2,arg3,…])
When you want to show a complex calculation, but force results

=SNARK([level of snarkness])
Displays a random sarcastic status

=BULLSHIT(Start cell:[End Cell})
Evaluates formulas, images, video and text. Returns a TRUE if it's all bullshit and locks the spreadsheet so you don't waste your time

=AUDIT()
Renamed to =PASSTHEBUCK()

Excel has benefited from a considerable makeover, and additions including snap functions and smart scrolling which make tapping in your spreadsheet data an easier process.        

You can download the suite right now. However, note that Office 2016 for Mac is only available to Office 365 users currently. Those looking to make a one-time purchase of the suite will have to wait for the boxed copy to emerge in September.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Officials warn of latest fad: Eating glass is bad for your health
Evidently eating glass isn't uncommon for beer and pizza lovers.

Corona Beer and DiGiorno’s have teamed up and released a series of ads produced by Mirecall of Los Angeles targeting the 18-52 male with something to prove.


Imagine it’s Friday night and you’re watching a rerun of the A Team when a commercial for both beer and pizza comes on your screen.  Pizza with crushed glass? Sounds crazy. And beer with extra glass? What is this commercial? But then in bold letters, THE REAL MEAL FOR REAL MEN glows on your screen. 

You know your buddy that lives next door is already on his way to the grocery store to stockpile glass infused frozen pizza and beer so you outsmart him and speed down to the Piggly Wiggly, buy all the shattered glass pizza and broken glass beer your truck can hold.  You smile.  Finally outsmarted your buddy and have a fridge full of broken glass pizza and beer. 
This is not a smart diet. Do not eat broken glass. 

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Thursday, February 25, 2016

Facebook's 2nd wave of emoji reactions
Facebook users around the globe have been waking up to an emotional roller coaster. The new Facebook 'Reactions" (a "Like" button extension) was welcomed by users loving, laughing and sharing angry or sad feelings.

The social network didn't stop there, just shy of a week since their worldwide rollout of the new expressions, they started to roll out phase two of  "Reactions."

STRONG DISLIKE


NON-RESPONSE
AKA: STOP ASKING ME TO 'LIKE' YOUR STUFF

I NEED MONEY


YOU'RE FULL OF SH*T


"People left feedback this week that they wanted to express apathy, very strong dislike, full of crap, or wealth via emoji," a senior level Facebook manager told Renegade News, and paraphrased Zuckerberg's mantra, "so we pushed an additional four, wtf we move fast and break things."

In October 2015, the company said it would expand its signature "Like" button with various reactions.  It may take a week or two for this batch of updates to propagate to all users.


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Saturday, February 6, 2016

Finally a non-dairy, vegan friendly floor cleaner and it's kosher too

Non-Dairy, Lactose Free and Vegan Friendly Floor Cleaner

Mr. Clean took his personal battle public this week. For years the man behind household cleaners struggled with his lactose intolerance and worked many year with researchers to produce a vegan friendly non-dairy kitchen cleaner. Now Procter & Gamble has done it, and it's even kosher!

Attention lactose intolerant housekeepers. Now you can au pair without a care; your fear of that funky floor feeling is over. Now is the time to raise mops in celebration of a new line of dairy free deep cleaning floor care products.

Procter & Gamble Professional—the away-from-home division of Procter & Gamble, serving the foodservice, building cleaning and maintenance, hospitality and convenience stores industries—presents Lactose Intolerant Mr. Clean  kitchen & bath products, the ideal solution for fighting grime and dirt without the meat or milk.

The new lineup of dairy-free Mr. Clean offers solutions for a variety of  floorings, including:


  • All Purpose, safe on all surfaces; swirled with non-abrasive vanilla bean specks. 
  • Hardwood, a coffee tinted liquid with fudge chunks & caramel swirls
  • Stone & Laminate, formulated with a bold crunchy peanut cleaner that leaves a brilliant chocolate sandwich shine.
  • Carpet, lifts years of dirt from your rug using a banana cream base and walnut agitator. 

For years, Non-Dairy homeowners have had no choice but to envy the in-laws, unable to compete in America's favorite suburban pastime. Now it’s your turn America. Pull the rug out and wipe the smile off your in-law’s smug mug.

“Creating these new cleaners with a Non-Dairy base composition that meets the high expectations of suburban home dwellers was quite a challenge,” said Head Mopper Kirsten Relomo. “We wanted to bring the cleaning experience to Peoria and Pottsville, and we nailed it!”

The new line up is available in gallons (MSRP: $25.69). To learn more about non-dairy Mr. Clean or to find a store near you, visit bit.ly/1PFWRjF.   Procter & Gamble Pro says to look for the expanded line of cleaning products to include tub and tile, patio furniture and optical wipes. Due on shelves by July.


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Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Easy EZ Scam. Driver alert.
DRIVERS BEWARE!  There is a scam going on along New Jersey highways that could cost you in big fines.

Unauthorized vendors are selling 'easy' buttons to unsuspecting motorists at $40 promising flat rate for all future tolls.  We want to get the word out, this is not true and will cost you  in heavy fines for skipping tolls.  The fakes are round, red and say "easy" the real pass says "ezpass", rectangular and isn't a fake.  A source at AAA tells us there are an estimated 20 thousand drivers with red "easy" buttons on their windshields.  If you have any doubts visit the New Jersey EZPass page.


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