Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Mrs Claus caught kissing Tiger Woods in Central Florida Home
According to Orange County, Florida fire officials an unidentified middle aged woman with grey hair left Tiger Woods home via ambulance about about 2:35 a.m. today.

An unidentified source identifies this woman as Mrs. Claus, wife of Santa Claus.

A bit of background on Claus, according to the Christmas special "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town," her name is Jessica, and is a schoolteacher in Sombertown. Elves at SantaClaus.com add that her middle name is Mary. But little more is known about this woman who prefers to live a quiet life, out of the spotlight of her husband.

Calls to Santa's Workshop at the North Pole have not been returned.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Adventures of a colonoscopy (funny)
If you've gone through the preparations for a colonscopy, you'll appreciate this video.

I have to agree when everyone says the prep is worse than the procedure.

A bit of background... First you take a few pills to loosen up the foundation a bit. After a few hours you become aquainted with a 50 gallon drum of prep fluid, which seems innocent enough but gulping it down is no easy task. The prep kit I was given had flavor packets, I used the orange flavoring thinking this can't be much worse than orange Gatorade because Gatorade isn't all that wonderful either. It is worse than Gatorade, not so much in flavor but consistency. It's just weird.

I recommend using a straw-aiming the liquid towards the roof of your mouth and let it spray down your throat without hitting your tongue.

Then after a short period of time, the fireworks begin!

See also:

Friday, October 9, 2009

Six Flags – Over Earth announced. New NASA theme park on the moon
Following Friday morning’s successful crash of a LCROSS satellite and its booster rocket into a crater near the south pole of the moon, a surprise joint venture announcement was made between Six Flags and NASA, “Six Flags – Over Earth” a zero gravity water theme park is scheduled to break ground in Spring 2011 and be completed by 2020.

A satellite and booster rocket, shot at the moon as a test for potable water and parking, proved to be a positive low cost location for a gigantic entertainment complex which promises to eclipse the earth. Water slides, trampolines and character parades are only a few attractions slated for the new theme park.

"This is so cool," said Jerry Smith, coordinator for Six Flag’s “Over Earth” campaign. "We're thrilled."

"This is going to change where we take summer vacations," NASA chief lunatic Michael Mal de la Cabeza said at the news conference. “No More Jersey Shore for us”

Photos and artists renderings are to be released in the next few weeks.


Monday, April 20, 2009

New York Times Wins Five Pulitzer Prizes
NEW YORK — The New York Times won five Pulitzer Prizes in journalism on Monday, the second-most in its history. It was a bittersweet victory for The Times as all five writers had been laid off their awards are being added to 101 other Pulitzers that were won over the years, the first awarded in 1917 and being sold on eBay to pay late utility bills.

Other icons of industry in New York are fighting the economy too, The Empire State Building has assessed a $5 look up zone around the skyscraper on 34 Street to anyone walking while looking up. According to building officials, it is a nominal fee and only applies to a small percentage of passersby.

The New York MTA is implementing a pay as you go fee, deputizing subway break dancers to collect $1 surcharge per passenger or walk. This will not apply during rush hours or after 2am.

And the familiar yellow cabs are going high tech. If you ride a yellow cab, it's going to cost you to turn down the volume on the in-cab video screens. $1 for every db, up to $5 for mute.

Everyone is being affected by tough times, help stimulate the economy and recycle your unused Pulitzers, Emmys, Grammys and other gold awards.

Renegade News! The News We Twist To Fit
April 20, 2009


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Obama Steaks - White House sets up a steak website

With the strike of a pen, the Obama administration announces the federal government is lending $26 billion to the cattle business for operating and marketing efforts.

Effective immediately, you can log onto obamasteaks.gov and order your favorite meat products. The White House is taking a step away from Government Cheese and saying to America, "Let'em Eat Steak" in these lean economic times.

This boost in the steer will have a trickle down effect on many businesses from trucking to cold storage to product packaging, advertising and sanitation services.


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Canadians suspected in US Airways 1549 crash

As salvage efforts to lift the US Airways jumbo jet out of the icy Hudson River continued yesterday, Vice President Dick Cheney was briefing President Bush about Canada's act of aggression. An undisclosed source tells Renegade News that Cheney insists that when the Airbus A320 was intercepted by Canada Geese three days ago, it was no accident.

The flight destined for Charlotte, North Carolina, collided with "big, dark-brown birds" within minutes after takeoff from LaGuardia Airport in New York on Thursday and both engines lost power.

Canada had thousands of sleeper cell Geese living in American cities and have been allegedly planning this strike for quite some time. It is reported that other birds were seen flapping in a celebratory fashion shortly after the the crash.

Our undisclosed source goes on to report that after the National Transportation Safety Board reviews webcam video and anonymous blog comments, it will be become clear that the birds, flying in an attack formation, were targeting the aircraft.

Some sources say President George Bush plans to retaliate by launching Turkeys (Meleagris ocellata) at Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver on Monday as his final act of President.

Today, President Bush and the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) declared a no-fly zone for birds within 10 miles of all US Airports.

The Stupidest Things Ever Said by Politicians
by Ross Petras
Paperback: 288 pages